Dear you,
Saying "goodbye" is never an easy thing to do, but I feel you deserve at least that much. I'm writing this letter to you because you can't seem to take a hint, and I think seeing the words instead of just hearing them, will get my point across more effectively. We've delayed the inevitable as long as we could stand to. This relationship we have, or rather had, can no longer sustain itself on wasted hope and mythic unconditonal love. I'm not surprised that this happened. I knew when I first met you, almost ten years ago, that we wouldn't last. Yeah I know, I can be a bit of a fatalist at times, but can you blame me? I was so young back then, and I didn't really know how to treat you, it took some time, but eventually I learned how to love you, only to be repaid with bitterness and spite.
You were my first, and of course the best.
Having said that...This is goodbye. I no longer want to go where you are going. To simply, yet harshly put it, I have outgrown my need for you. Where once you were a well and trusted friend, today, on the dependability scale, you rank dead last. What happened? Where did we go wrong?
I guess that's what happens when you see someone on a daily basis, and you just get used them being around all the time. They become the rusty colored fixtures you never get around to cleaning. The mole you should you have gotten checked out two months ago. The oil change you keep putting off. You get the picture. I should have dealt with you, head on, then and there, but I didn't. I was foolish to think that you would just come around. There you are screaming, "Look at me!" "Hey, I need your help!!" "Notice me! Notice me!" You know what though, it was really easy to ignore you. Your endless need for attention drove me insane, and I thought of the most violent things that could happen to you.
OK, I will admit that I am partially to blame for the slowly agonizing death of our friendship. I should have noticed you more, I should have taken care of you, but life isn't about all the should haves and the should not haves. Life is about right here and right now, and what we're going to do about tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, or even the day after that. Unfortunately, there are no more mananas for us to share.
Before I say what it is I really want to say, I think we should just take a quick trip down memory lane. Why rehash all of the old times at all now that I'm leaving you? It's because I treasure every memory we've shared together. I just want to make it painfully clear to you, that it wasn't always bad times, and that those good memories outweigh the bad ones by far. You were around me for the serious life changing events in my life, and you were also there for those quiet moments of clarity. I will treasure these memories for the rest of my life.
Do you remember when we first became an item? All my friends were so excited to meet you, but you were so shy back then. You thought you looked so different from everyone else, and you felt like you didn't fit in. Truth be told, you didn't, at least at first, but we all learned to love you.
Do you remember when we all went to Vegas, that summer of '96? It was your first road trip ever, and my first road trip sans family. I was a bit nervous at first because I was still scarred from the ghost of family road trips past. You thought I was being silly, but you convinced me to go anyway. I think that was the very first time I trusted you - a milestone in our new relationship. So I trusted you, and that trust carried us all the way across the desert to Sin City. However, do you remember the trip back, and how we all just couldn't wait to get home and finally get away from each other? So the Vegas trip ended in disaster, but it was in that emotional wreckage, that our bond as friends solidified.
Do you remember when you got into that accident? I was so scared that you were going to die. They took you away for three whole months, and let me just tell you, those three months were the hardest three months of that whole entire year. I had to learn how to depend on my other friends, just as I was starting to get so very close to you. (You pulled through though, good as new, and we never brought up those three months again)
You were there when I got the news that Elliott had killed himself. You played his music and we both remembered him together.
You were always there to make me feel so comfortable. I picked my nose in front of you, I farted, I committed the most horrendous acts of personal hygiene in front of you, because I felt at ease. I didn't feel bad or weird when I mined for boogers in your presence.
You were there to keep me warm in the winters, ha, and yes, even warmer in the summers.
You were there for first kisses.
You were there when I was having sex. Yes, I know in retrospect that doing that was a bad idea, and I shouldn't have let you witness that. What can I say? I was young and so foolish back then. What I thought was hot and kinky, you thought was appalling. You made it clear to me how dirty it made you feel, how regardless of how much emotional scrubbing you did, that those stains from those nights, would stay with you forever.
You were there when my grandma died. When I couldn't stand the grief anymore, you promised to take me to far away places with you, and you did, and that made me feel better.
You were there when Prof. J and I got drunk off cider, parked in front of my old house in Cerritos. You got me home in one piece.
Yes, you were there.
These days you seem so distant, so far away. Here I am, feeling like I have my arms stretched out towards the big nothing. If part of the blame lies with me, than the other part lies with you.
Last year when you got diagnosed, yet again with more bad news, you started flaking out on me. You didn't want my help. Whenever I tried to help, it would only make things worse. I was even going to ask my parents for a loan, for chrissakes, just for you. Your treatments were getting expensive, and the money was running out, and like the stubborn mule you are, you turned everything and everyone down. I gotta tell you, sometimes your pride is the worst thing you got going for you.
Yet I understand pride, a lot more than you think. I had pride. Pride in us. Ten years? C'mon, who wouldn't be proud of that. Most relationships never last too long. It's like other people become these speed bumps on this road called life. Everyone you meet ends up leaving, everyone moves away to distant towns, everyone has problems of their own that they momentarily forgot when they were around you, or even worse, they just lost interest in you. You've served their purpose, now it's on the next sorry sap who'll give them the time of day. Not us I thought. Not us, never.
Of course, as usual, I thought wrong. No one can never ever back on forever, ever.
You started drifting away from me, actually it was more like speeding away from me. I wanted to step on those breaks, and just say, "Hey, what the fuck is going on here?" Those breaks failed and I crashed into that tall impenetrable wall otherwise known as disappointment. Our relationship stalled when you, made it obvious that you and I didn't stand a chance at forever. You were always mad, and you started to treat me like shit. You would always start cold, and somehow after you miraculously warmed up, out of nowhere, you would just breakdown. It wasn't you crying though, it was I, and I, just didn't know what to do anymore.
I guess writing this in a blog is kind of tacky, but I know that this is the only way you'll ever see this. You don't have a phone or an email address, so you've left me with no choice. I guess I could let things go, but I'm not that type of guy. I want to end this, right here, right now. I don't go for that bullshit, where we never really get to say our piece of mind, and a couple years later, when I see you again for the first time, we pretend like this shit never even happened. I don't like loose ends, and quite honestly, I don't like you anymore.
Does this sound childish to you? I honestly don't care what you think anymore. Want to hear something even more childish? I'm seeing someone new now. It's 2006 baby, and I've come to realize that all I really want, is a newer version of the old you. Right now, you suck, and I don't want suck, I want something substantial and real. Guess what, baby? I've found her, and the funny thing is, I met her at the same place where I first met you, only this time, I don't have that fear that she's going to leave me, like I had the instant I met you. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but, she's sexier than you. She's more reliable than you are. She's got more room for more junk in her trunk than you do (if you know what I'm talking about). She's even easier to handle. Basically, she's everything you are not, everything you never could be, everything you've always wanted to be, and you knew you couldn't. Face it, baby, she's just better than you are. You miserable piece of shit. Fuck you.
Love,
Gary
